It's a pirate's life for me.

For those who may have accidentally stumbled across this page (perhaps the "r" button on your computer is broken?) this is a screenplay from the interactive drama/video game Facade. It's a continuation of this post on my regular blog.

TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE
What for?

TRIP
That should be obvious!

GRACE
Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

TRIP
Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!

GRACE
What -- Trip, don't give me that look!

GRACE
You're going to drive me crazy!

(Ted knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Ted!!

TED (Editor's note - I tried to pick the least pirate-like name possible that the game would allow, while still remaining male. Otherwise, I would've been "Tammy.")

Arr, matey!

TRIP
Hey! I thought I heard someone out here! Great to see you! It's been a while, -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Uh...

TRIP
Well come on in...

TED
Arr. I shall.

TRIP
Uh, I'll -- I'll go get Grace...

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

GRACE
Ted,

TED
Ahoy, fair wench!

GRACE
Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time!

GRACE
Uh...

TED
I was sailin' 'round the great Cape.

GRACE
Oh, ha ha ha!

GRACE
And I have to say, you look great.

GRACE
Make yourself at home, come on in!

TRIP
I'm just going to go close the door.

(Trip closes the front door.)

TED
D'ye have a spot for me parrot?

GRACE
Ted, seeing you again makes -- (interrupted)

PHONE
** RING **

TRIP
Oh, I'll get it --

GRACE
No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.

PHONE
** RING **

PHONE
** RING **

TED
Arr! What be that devil's work?

ANSWERING MACHINE
** click **

ANSWERING MACHINE
You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

GRACE
What? Oh, God, can we just -- let's just wait for the answering machine...!

ANSWERING MACHINE
** beep **

ANSWERING MACHINE
Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing.

ANSWERING MACHINE
I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there.

TRIP
Oh, it's your parents! -- (interrupted)

TED
It be the sound of Satan himself!

GRACE
Oh, ha ha ha, God, let's not talk about my parents... we've heard enough from them tonight.

ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala.

ANSWERING MACHINE
(clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.

TRIP
Well, Grace's parents... They're something else, really classy people --

GRACE
Uhh, no, they're impossible, they expect me to drive up to the house in Connecticut to attend all their stupid socialite charity benefits and parties, it's so tiresome.

TED
That be the voice of Redbeard!

GRACE
Oh, ha ha ha, God, let's not talk about my parents... we've heard enough from them tonight.

TED
The dog who sliced off me leg!

TRIP
Y -- yeah, yeah, uh, come look at this Italy photo!

TRIP
Oh, Ted, take a look at this photo I just put up from our trip to Italy a couple of weeks ago...

GRACE
(little sigh)

TED
The home of cursed Redbeard!

TRIP
Yeah,

TRIP
if there's one thing Grace is really passionate about, it's her decorating...

GRACE
What? God,

GRACE
Ted, don't listen to him, it's just a hobby, really --

TRIP
No it's a real creative thing for you, it's really great, you get so into it --

TED
Where be the Jolly Roger?

TRIP
uh...

GRACE
Ted, come over here and sit on the couch with me.

TED
She's a saucy wench, eh?

TRIP
W -- well, uh -- wait...

TRIP
No, hold on. Now, Ted, what does this picture make you think of?

GRACE
Oh, Trip, don't put our friend on the spot like that...

TED
Redbeard!

TRIP
Mmm... no...

GRACE
I like that, that's a good answer...!

TRIP
(little sigh) No -- (interrupted)

TED
That vile pox on piratekind!

TRIP
Well, actually, this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon!

GRACE
Trip, don't exaggerate... it was simply a weekend getaway.

TED
Did ye slit Redbeard's throat?

TRIP
S -- so, so, um, our second honeymoon picture says...

TED
He took me one good leg!

TRIP
Yeah, yeah!

TED
Ye don't care, do ye?

TRIP
Romance! It says... romance...!

GRACE
(little sigh)

TRIP
Actually I took this picture on my own... Grace was too tired to leave the hotel room...

TRIP
Jet lag, I guess... (little sigh)

TED
She's a wanton scullery maid.

TRIP
W -- well, oh, uh, never mind...

GRACE
Well, we're all friends here...

TED
Arr, that's right.

GRACE
Yes, you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.

TRIP
Grace, oh, no, we don't need to do that.

TED
Ye have the taste of an eel.

GRACE
Oh, um, well... I want to ask you...

GRACE
Uhh, what I wanted with this room was some kind of post-modern style...

TED
Arr?

TRIP
Well, it's funny how after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace finds the time to decorate... and re-decorate...

GRACE
Ha ha, uhh, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out.

TED
Me day is spent pillaging.

GRACE
Oh, well...

GRACE
(frustrated sigh) So I was trying to find -- (interrupted)

TED
I burn and plunder, too.

GRACE
Uh, well, this room is a complete mess, isn't it?

TRIP
(clears throat)

TED
Arr, it be seadog puke.

GRACE
Oh, how nice, I've been waiting so long for someone to say that!

TRIP
Wait, what?

TED
Ye have?

GRACE
Uhh, um, well, I'm really pleased to finally hear someone's honest opinion.

GRACE
(big sigh)

GRACE
Oh God, Ted, I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...

TRIP
What?

TED
I came to escape cursed Redbeard.

TRIP
W -- wait, wait, wait, what's wrong, Grace?

GRACE
Trip, have you noticed, we're fighting in front of our friend.

TED
He be haunting my dreams.

TRIP
What...?

TRIP
Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that...

GRACE
Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend --

TRIP
Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing. We're, we're not.

TRIP
(frustrated sigh) Sheejus.

TRIP
Okay, well, you and I are getting along better tonight than I first thought, heh heh!

TRIP
Ah, -- (interrupted)

GRACE
Ugh... let's not talk about that anymore, I'm redoing the whole place anyway.

TRIP
So... drinks...

TRIP
This is great... For us I'm going to open an amazing, I mean, exquisite Bordeaux.

TED
D'ye have any grog?

TRIP
No no I really think we should have this wine, trust me, trust me!

TRIP
Best of the best, you can't buy this in stores... Very, very special --

GRACE
God Trip, you are such a wine snob. Just like my dad.

TRIP
I'll take that as a compliment. Ted, what do you say?

TED
I'll run you through, scoundrel.

GRACE
Ted, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?

TRIP
What...?

TED
A pirate does not quaff juice.

TRIP
Yeah, no, we need to open this wine! Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!

TED
Grog!

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

TRIP
I've been dying to try this Bordeaux for a long time, this is the perfect opportunity --

GRACE
That's not our anniversary wine is it?

GRACE
That's not the Bordeaux we saved from our wedding, that we were going to drink on our tenth wedding anniversary, RIGHT?!

TRIP
Whoops.

TRIP
Ahh, this is bullshit!

TED
Pirates do not marry. We plunder.

GRACE
Ahh, no, you're full of shit!

TRIP
What, what's that, what are you saying, what?

GRACE
Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel!

TRIP
(little impatient sigh) Ted, I...

TRIP
(frustrated sigh)

GRACE
Oh, and you...

GRACE
I can predict what you'll say...

GRACE
The way you keep fixating on the apartment and the decorating.

TRIP
Your goddamn parents...

TRIP
You think you're better than me just because I didn't come from a rich background! You do, I know it, you think you're better than me!

GRACE
Oh, sure, yeah!

TED
I killed my parents when I was 7.

GRACE
Alright, you know what, Ted,

GRACE
I need to ask you something.

TRIP
Grace --

GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

GRACE
Ted, yes or no...

GRACE
In a marriage, shouldn't one person try to make their spouse a better person, even if they don't want it?

TED
Arrr.

GRACE
Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore!

GRACE
Don't you see, Trip?! Our marriage... is a sham, Trip! Don't you see that? It's all fake, all pretend...

TRIP
Oh, Jesus...!

TED
I'd make her walk the plank.

TRIP
Uhh! Yeah, go on, get away from me!

TRIP
I can't frigging take this!

TRIP
Goddammit, Grace!

GRACE
Oh, God!!

GRACE
uhh!

GRACE
Ted, I -- I'm sorry... this is a disaster...

TED
Arr, it be one at that.

GRACE
What are you saying? What?

TRIP
Grace, are you talking about me?

GRACE
What do you care?

TED
Ye have bewitched me, wench.

GRACE
Trip you -- you're sometimes so...

TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE
What?

TED
Shall I gouge out his eyes?

TRIP
Look, quit the flirting already, I'm not going to put -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Ted, where are you going? Don't leave the room, we need your help out here!

GRACE
Let's keep our focus on Trip.

GRACE
Ted, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage --

TRIP
Grace, don't, no, you don't need to --

GRACE
Admits that our marriage is not --

TRIP
Stop it, stop it! (annoyed sigh)

TED
I could eviscerate his bowels.

GRACE
Uhh...! God...!

TRIP
Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.

GRACE
Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!

TRIP
What, I'm not allowed to be angry?

GRACE
You tell me what to do, you don't listen.

TRIP
Ted, I'm not telling her what to do, I'm trying to help her!

TED
That's what Redbeard told me.

TRIP
What?

TRIP
See, I'm the one trying to reach out to you, Grace...

GRACE
Uhh...

TRIP
Let's keep talking about us both, not just one of us.

TED
Harlot, sail away with me!

TRIP
You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving -- (interrupted)

(TED comforts grace.)

GRACE
Oh, Ted, thanks, but, what we need right now is to just get all this out in the open...

TED
On the open seas!

TRIP
Let's talk some more about Grace.

TRIP
Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, and even though you redecorate the apartment all the time, the truth is... you're not an artist.

GRACE
Uhh...!

TRIP
I'm sorry, you're not.

TED
Arr, that be cruel.

GRACE
Ted, -- (interrupted)

TRIP
No?

GRACE
Ah, thank you, you disagree, that might just help him! See, Trip, you have no idea what an artist is.

TED
Ye be a slimy sea cow.

GRACE (Editor's note: Here, the AI got a bit confused - there's a brass statuette you can pick up that's shaped like a bull. Pirate Ted looks at it later.)

Uhh, that brass bull... it's just so infuriating...

TRIP
What?

GRACE
How you put that goddamn 'gift' on display in our own living room!!!

TED
Arrr?

TRIP
Why?

GRACE
Ah, thank you, see, just saying that helps us...

TRIP
(little sigh) Ted, I, I -- I'm not -- there's -- there's nothing... (frustrated sigh)

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

TED
This be a bad omen.

GRACE
Let's keep talking about us, our relationship.

GRACE
You know what's so annoying, is when you pretend to be all 'romantic'!

TRIP
What...?

GRACE
Trip, it is such an act!

TRIP
Oh my God... Ted, what... uhh...

TED
A pirate has no time for love.

TRIP
No?

TRIP
Thank you, you disagree, that helps us! See, Grace, you twist it into something bad! It's so typical!

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

TRIP
Let's keep the focus on us, not just one person.

TRIP
Ted, look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.

GRACE
Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.

TED
Where be the parrot perch?

TRIP
Where?

GRACE
Ah, thank you, that helps him. Trip, look at my parents. If money bought happiness they wouldn't hate themselves like they do.

TRIP
What?

TED
Ye have abundant booty, arr.

GRACE
Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, and fine wine...

TRIP
You think I'm not good enough...!

GRACE
I never said that! I'm saying there's more to you than all this...

(TED picks up the brass bull.)

TRIP
Ted, does it look like I want to fix you drinks right now?

TED
Arr! A monster from the deep!

(TED puts down the brass bull.)

TRIP
Okay, no, I want to focus on Grace.

TRIP
Grace, I don't think you really do want us to quit our jobs, lead a simpler lifestyle.

GRACE
What? Trip, you know what I --

TRIP
Oh come on! You grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth. You can't live any other way.

TED
Come sail with me, fair maiden.

GRACE
Ted, oh my god, you can't believe... Ugh!

TED
Ye shall be princess of the ocean.

GRACE
What is his problem? Tell me please, what is his problem?

GRACE
Uhh...

TED
He is a scurvy dog.

TRIP
No?

GRACE
No, don't, just leave me alone for a second... uhh...

TRIP
Let's keep our focus on Grace.

GRACE
Trip, you're the reason we live like ... pretentious ...

TRIP
Like your parents, you mean!

GRACE
Trip, I don't need any of this stuff. It's all you!

TED
I could sell it to a Dutch merchant.

GRACE
Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.

GRACE
I think... I think... Trip and I are drifting... I'm afraid we're becoming... disconnected...

TRIP
Grace! What are you saying?

GRACE
It's like I don't know who you are anymore.

TED
Ye be two whiny children!

TRIP
God Grace, the only thing you should be afraid of is misplacing your credit cards... heh... heh...

TED
The whiniest ever whelped!

GRACE
Uhh

TRIP
Okay, I'm sick of this bullshit!!

TRIP
Ted, I know what you're trying to hint at...

TRIP
about us...

TRIP
about our marriage...

TRIP
Do you two want the truth? Huh?

TRIP
Ted, do you want to hear it?

TRIP
Grace?

GRACE
Yes...!

TED
Arrrrr.

TRIP
No, Ted, just, yes or no, do you want the truth?

TED
Arrrrr!

TRIP
See, Ted, I've been paying attention to what you've been saying tonight.

TRIP
You've really been pushing me tonight.

TRIP
It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.

GRACE
Trip!

TED
I would kill ye in a heartbeat.

TRIP
Ted, I ask you this -- yes or no...

TRIP
Do you really think that...

TRIP
flirting with me...

TED
Arr?

TRIP
and you don't even say 'yes' when I ask you if you want the truth...

TRIP
No, Ted, let me finish!

TED
But I be sayin' arrr all night!

TRIP
that we're supposed to now understand something about ourselves from all that?

TRIP
Is all of that arguing intended to mean something, or...

TRIP
Is it? I just want a yes or no.

TRIP
This is not a trick question.

TED
I could care less, ye urchins.

TRIP
Okay.

TRIP
Grace...

TRIP
uhh...

TRIP
I forced you to marry me, didn't I.

TRIP
When I proposed to you, in front of your parents, on Christmas Eve, and...

TED
The pirate way.

TRIP
I knew you wouldn't be capable of saying no.

GRACE
You manipulated me.

GRACE
And I never did anything about it.

TRIP
Yes.

GRACE
And here we are.

TED
Ye should've put her in chains.

GRACE
uhh...

TRIP
uhh...

GRACE
Oh my God...!

TRIP
Wait, Ted, Grace, there's more...

GRACE
More?

TRIP
Grace, I know you want to be an artist.

TRIP
But I could never be married to you if you were.

GRACE
What?

TRIP
I can't... I -- I just can't...

GRACE
But Trip --

TRIP
When I married you, see, I was sure I could convince you to give it up, to -- to go into advertising.

GRACE
Uhh...

TRIP
And -- and I did it, and it worked.

TRIP
But now... I -- I don't know, Grace...

TRIP
(big sigh) I don't know...

GRACE
uhh...

GRACE
Oh my God...!

GRACE
Ted, I, uhh...

GRACE
This changes everything...

TRIP
Yes, it does change everything.

TRIP
I think it's over.

GRACE
Trip, what --

TRIP
No!!

TRIP
It's over, Grace, don't you see that?

GRACE
Wha... You just told me --

TRIP
I just told you something about us I should have said a long time ago:

(TED comforts grace.)

TED
Even a pirate can cry.

TED
Sniff.

TRIP
I manipulated you into marrying me...

TRIP
And no, Ted, please...

TRIP
And about me...

TRIP
I can't be married to an artist.

GRACE
Trip, I --

TRIP
No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's not about you...

GRACE
Not about me...? Hey, no, wait!

TRIP
Ted, I'm sorry. Thank you, though, you really helped me.

GRACE
Trip!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TED
Arr.

GRACE
Trip!!

(Trip closes the front door.)

GRACE
Oh my God...

TED
Well, back to the ship...

GRACE
I should have told him that I...

GRACE
I could have told him that...

TED
And I should've killed Redbeard.